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HONORING MY MOTHER | Here come those fears again

I remember during my first job; the general manager had asked if I could write and fit my complete name in a small identification tag while using a fine-print marker. I promptly did so and almost right away, as careful as I tried to be, I smudged the tag completely during two  straight attempts. First lesson, he said, when you are new and tasked to do a job, never be too quick to please. A great first lesson I thought, one that could help me develop self-confidence and a stable mindset from then on.
And you would think I learned a valuable one that day. The fact is, till this day, I would always find myself back again, as though still wielding that fine Sharpie and still being eager to please. An old classmate once said “white man fool Indian once, white man bad. White man fool Indian twice, Indian bad.” Many times over, I think you can already guess who’s the bad in my story.
Here’s what I learned though. There are two types of people one will encounter in your lifetime. One who will encourage you in all you do and the other, who will be biased enough to frame you as limited and not enough for any task. While that manager may have been the former and patient enough to impart a valuable lesson, there will be those who will right away have a fixed judgement of you and that’s it. Final answer.
Being ‘bad’ at not getting any task the first time is natural. Even as a comic strip once wrote, we are all doomed to fail, it has failed to include it is also innate in us that we are able to rise up. In comparison, the biased and intolerant will always be what they are and if they do change, that’s good for them… we have our own journeys to think about.
Back on the subject of being eager to please, I have just chosen to remain so, but only with the people I care about. Just to be clear, this decision is never to be confused with being disrespectful and being unkind. The thing is, I’ve decided I will just not anymore, at any opportunity, be instantly off my feet whenever another person says “jump”. However with the babies in the family and some friends, I would still gladly say ‘how high’.
To end,  while we should always remember, frail as we are, to be kind to ourselves. As part of that, we can only look to the lessons of Desiderata. “Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.”


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