HAVE you tried waking up in the morning feeling tired and questioning yourself about what to do despite the long list of pending tasks or assignments you have in work or school? When you know the first step is to get up but still have a hard time in doing so? Moreover, when you force yourself to take a bath wishing that the water will be like pixie dust that will magically boost your energy and productivity? Have you been feeling it all lately? Then how are you now?
I ask these questions just to verify if I am not alone with these feelings or state of being. During the height of the audit busy season, the pandemic started. The situation forcefully enclosed me in the four corners of my apartment room, away from my parents and unprepared. During that time, I did not have time management plans or a new set of goals to achieve or skills I want to learn. I just stared at my white ceiling reflecting where I am right now, my long-term plans and dreams, who I really want to become in the future. Am I still in the right track? What is really my purpose? How I can help others with my current situation? These keep on repeating every day without me noticing, and it became a routine ̶ an unhealthy morning routine. Imagine, I have not yet started my work for the day, but I already feel tired and exhausted. It seems like my brain and my body keep on arguing inside, when my brain knows what to do but my body will not cooperate. I feel like I am a disabled person for months. Then the result of it came, delays after delays, stress over stress, nothing but unachieved goals.
I believe all of us have been struggling lately. The pandemic caught us all off guard. The current situation makes us anxious, worried and depressed. We were forced to isolate ourselves and got some time to check our inner selves. Some of us realized that what we feel inside is more chaotic than we thought it was. We started to question our goals, timelines and capabilities. We started to entertain thoughts and inner voices that would just disable us later in the future. We started to believe that we are worthless and that we need a miracle for us to survive every day. We feel hopeless and ungrateful. Some even took their own life believing their struggles will be endless. Then suddenly, I remember what Morrie said in my favorite book Tuesdays with Morrie, he said, “So many people walk around with a meaningless life. They seem half-asleep, even when they are busy doing things they think are important. This is because they are chasing the wrong things. The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.”
I forgot that before the pandemic happened, I already had goals and plans in progress, waiting to be achieved. I forgot that despite the trials and the struggles I have, God still blessed me with His grace and His people ̶̶ my family, my friends and my community. They never failed to remind me that I am worthy to be loved despite what I feel about myself, and that I should be grateful for everything – even the simplest thing. I now believe that gratitude and love can overpower everything. It really fuels us to have the courage once again. To get up, move forward and never be afraid anymore to fail and fall, simply because we are aware that we are blessed every day. I could not say that I am totally okay right now because I do believe that healing takes time. What I am sure of now is that I am back on track and trying my daily best once again to do better than my yesterday self.
If you are someone like me who is fighting inner struggles, know that it is not permanent and they too shall pass, like any other challenges you have conquered before. I am also praying that you have people that will remind you of God’s love and that you can be that person for others too.
Ms. Papa is a semi-senior of the Audit and Assurance Division of P&A Grant Thornton Cebu Branch. P&A Grant Thornton is one of the leading audit, tax, advisory and outsourcing firms in the Philippines with 24 partners and more than 900 staff members. Email your comments to firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com.
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